Funny Story

I can launch myself in a ruthless attack against the source of my frustration but sinking to that level is not that appealing to me. i don't wanna be in the same category as, let's say....people who spread nasty rumors about other people or people who hack into other people's email account.

but i still wanna tell you a story...

Once upon a time, there was a guy who i'm gonna hide under the name Charles'-brother-who's-neither-the-oldest-nor-youngest who hacked my email account and read my inbox and outbox...then had the audacity to be majorly pissed off at me because there were unpretty (but absolutely true stuff) in there about his wife, who i'm gonna hide under the name Charles'-sister-in-law-who-spread-rumors-about-me-at-work-then-turned-dumb-and-mute-when-i-confronted-her-about-it. during the confrontation, her vocabulary was suddenly reduced to, "i don't know..." . it figures. her iq level is the same as her clothes' size. 00.

i don't know what kind of world they believe they live in for them to think that hacking someone's email account is acceptable and not a federal offense and not some form of major invasion of privacy

i think they believe it's a world where unicorns graze in chocolate-covered meadows...a world where she is NOT ugly and NOT such a gossipy witch...a world where HE has a life and personality...where his penis is not tucked between his legs and his face is not up his ass

sooo....

- edward and bella got married and had s*x (in that order, too - meyer wanted to convey an important message)

- jacob defected from his pack (followed by leah and seth clearwater) because sam wanted to launch an attack against the cullens because the cullens would be breaking their treaty if they decide to make bella a vampire.

- bella gets pregnant and gives birth to a girl they named renesmee, who's half-human and half-vampire. carlisle and edward wanted the pregancy terminated because of the harm it was doing to bella but she refused (again, important message: meyer is pro-life)

- one of the denali sisters (irina) saw bella, renesmee, and jacob hunting, and then went to the volturi, thinking that renesmee is an immortal child.

- the cullens assembled a group of vampires to be witnesses that renesmee is not an immortal child, but half human, half immortal so the volturi would listen and not execute them

- the volturi comes to forks with an ulterior motive: acquisition - edward, alice, etc, etc. at this point, i've lost track of the names of all the vampires.

- but bella has special sheilding powers that not even jane or alec can penetrate

- the good guys win. the volturi didn't even fight.

- oh, yeah..and jacob imprinted on renesmee.

- and charlie knows everything

- the best part: relieved sexual tension between bella and edward. finally. after 3 books of foreplay, meyer took the shot.

i've read the books when they first came out in 05 and i've been looking for someone who's also read it so we can dissect and discuss the books. it was no fun to have read it and not have anyone to talk about it with, so i'm glad everyone's jumped in the bandwagon or i might be the only one who makes fun of bella.

twilight annoyed me because of the overuse of adjectives. like, i get it, i get it...Edward is perfect. Edward sparkles (and literally at that, too). woohoo. Meyer exhausted all words synonymous to beautiful but it doesn't matter. you keep reading anyway. the characters are flat, but meyer did a decent job of giving them (except perfect edward) vague personalities that everyone can relate to. it is your average boy-meets-girl kind of book, but then boy's a vampire who wants girl and her blood so that's where the story starts. it's a good thing that this book wasn't a flop. otherwise, twilight would've been the beginning and the end of Bella and Edward.

new moon was a breath of fresh air in a way, with Bella not writing down every thought she had of Edward's utter perfection. i like the take on werewolves but i missed the vampires. they were in it for less than 1/3 so i had to skim the pages to see if they will be reappearing. this is the story of Bella's heartbreak with Edward leaving and it came across to me as whiny and mopey, but then Bella "redeems" herself in the end and everything's not as bad. she still has such a long way to go before she gets to be a heroine of hermione granger's or ginny weasley's level, but she gets to save Edward for a change, making this book quite hard to put down.

with eclipse, you had to read the 1st and 2nd book because Meyer didn't spend a lot of time expounding on the earlier novels but gets down to the story right away. this is a love story between Bella, Edward and Jacob that borders on soap opera territory. but what the hey, you've read more than 500 pages of the previous books. of course you'll keep reading this one because you want to know what happened, and you're keeping your fingers crossed that bella dies.

it was sad, having finished reading the saga. it wasn't like harry potter all over again, but you get the point. you get to "not hate" the characters and would want to read more about them. with the discovery that her vampire powers are super, would bella's moping go away? how would they go about jacob and renesmee's love story? would child services visit carlisle and esme because, well, it's just plain and creepy how their "kids" are all coupled up?

the last book was anti-climactic for me. a little too escapist fantasy. i mean, the volturi shows up, en masse, and then decides not to fight? it's a bit of a cop-out, the all too happily ever after ending somewhat annoying. but then again, it's nice to see clumsy bella even out a bit to mr. eternal perfect mcdreamyhottiesteamy. a lot of people are ripping this book apart because of the perfect ending, but after everything has fallen into place, how could it be otherwise?

Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say

I gave birth via c-section not even 2 months ago and I still have some of the baby weight. And by SOME I mean I still look like I'm close to my last trimester of pregnancy. Anyways, the sperm donor saw me breastfeeding the other day and had the audacity (or ruthless honesty) to exclaim, “Eeeeewww.” And by sperm donor, I mean the baby daddy I've been in a relationship with for almost  years now.

The most hurtful part is not that his observation was true, but the fact that he actually meant it. In a world where hypocrisy is rampant and lies are told to make others feel better, I got the person who actually says what he means and means what he says.

"Well, I had a c-section and they (meaning other people who probably want me to remain fat all my life so they'd look skinny next to me) said I can't work out until 6 months after," I said to him when what I really meant was, "Eff you!" I wanted to say more, but even with my raging mommy hormones, I still couldn't bring myself to say anything that will bruise his ego. I'm saving that for later when he's done something much more severe than criticizing my size – which is not a zero anymore.

I’m not the nicest person in the whole world but there have been numerous instances where I’ve selected my terminologies instead of just saying what I mean.

Like this one time I had coffee with my friend who brought her friend (and my more than acquaintance, but not really a friend) along. That girl is one that fishes for compliments whenever she can. She's the kind of girl who knows she's far from ugly, and although she was a couple of pounds away from being chubby, she carries herself well and is actually sexy. But she would complain about her imaginary pimples, or that invisible flab around her waist that "spills" at the top of her jeans, just so she could hear people say how pretty and sexy she was. She asked if she should have the bazillion-calorie-loaded dessert, and I wanted to say, “Life is too short to deprive yourself of the things you love. Besides, you’re too skinny. Have two of them and the other one’s on me." Those extra calories might just be what would push her to the chubby side - she'd gain a few pounds, and some humility. But I stopped myself and said instead, "That'd make you feel good now, but guilty later. You don’t need the empty calories. Why not try this other one with low fat and less carbs?”

What I said was nice, but I didn't mean it.

Then there was this one time at work when my hand was terribly dry and I had no hand cream to put on it, so I resorted to using Victoria’s Secret Strawberries and Champagne. I was in the cafeteria, and this guy said it smelled so bad I should refrain from using it when people are about to eat because it ruined his appetite.

I said to him, "I don’t ask you to put a bag over your head even if your ugliness is offensive so don’t ask me to stop using my lotion just because you think it stinks.”

In that kind of situation, I feel like you gotta give yourself the gift of saying exactly what you mean, and meaning exactly what you say.