EI

I’ve been a slave of an 8-hour-a-day job for quite a while and have had the misfortune (or luck, depending on one’s viewpoint) of getting laid off. There are people who are self-righteous enough to look at me incredulously because I’ve been staying home for the past 5 months. They seem to equalize unemployment with indolence. I say there is nothing wrong with enjoying the benefits that the Canadian government provides those who are out of work. They take a chunk out of our pay cheques every week and I will take advantage this.

There’s something so sweet about getting paid whilst staying home and doing nothing.

Not Ready To Make Nice

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

- Dixie Chicks

Backlash

Due to the fact that there’s a total absence of panache and class with everything that has happened, I opted to be the bigger person and went the other way. Instead of exhausting my throat yakking about someone who doesn't even care if you fell of the face of the earth, I chose to stay silent. But this silence doesn’t mean my mind is idle or that my hand is suffering from paralysis. The cogs in my brain are moving and my hands are fine so I will write what I want to write.

There’s this game show I watch that’s hosted by a person who doesn’t have the gift of diplomacy (Kris Aquino). That’s where I learned that ostriches have brains smaller than their eyes.

Recent events in my life seem to purport my theory that there are human beings with the same attribute. These people probably have skulls that could be used for storage space.

Their cerebral activity is limited to coordinating their makeup with their clothes and they don’t possess any aspiration to exercise their brain cells. Their capacity to have their minds operating is directly proportional to the size of their clothes - 0 to 1.

One of them has berated me for something that my mom and my sister have said and done. I admit that what they did was wrong but don’t hold your breath waiting for me to issue an apology on their behalf because chances are, you’re going to run out of air. I would hate to see you hospitalized waiting for something that doesn’t have a possibility of happening. I don’t want you dying before you find out who made that Friendster profile for you (I don’t even want nor need your apology when that happens. You can shove it up your *bleep*). Newsflash, honey: Even though I entered this tumultuous world through my mother’s vagina, that doesn’t make us one and the same. So if you have something against her, tell it to her face. Good luck getting her attention, though. I tried that a couple of million times as a child and was not quite successful. It resulted in me being the eldest child with the middle child syndrome.

The other one has steam coming out of her ass saying that I’ve been telling people I’ve been slapped, pushed out the door and ganged-up on at a party. Another newsflash: You are acutely delusional if you think I will walk out that party without exsanguinating someone if that was true. If that actually happened, your face would've been rearranged, so quit saying things that aren’t true. Why don't you exert more effort in being a wife and a mother? I'm sure it would keep you more preoccupied than trying to be a nuisance in my life.

They accuse me of making up a profile in Friendster intended to ruin one of them. I actually have nothing to say about this because I think they did it themselves to attract the attention that their skimpy clothes and thick makeups couldn’t get. Their infantile attempts to play themselves out as victims are plain BRAINLESS. STUPID. DENSE. UNINTELLIGENT. IMBECILIC. FEEBLE-MINDED. SLOW-WITTED. MORONIC.

And the list goes on….

Weeks After

I’ve made my peace with the reality that certain relationship gaps cannot be bridged anymore. Lies have been fabricated much faster than any Magna factory can manufacture car parts and fingers have been pointed faster than any text addict can send a message.

The embellishments have negated the possibility of friendships extending past clothes-swapping, sleepovers and straightening each others hair. I can’t share relationship troubles with you anymore because the next thing on the grapevine would probably be me, trying to poison Charles’ dinner just so I can bask in the luxury that his life insurance would give.

I can console myself with the thought that this is nothing to get all bent up over with, especially if the people concerned are inexplicably incapable of any form of civility. I am not going to torture myself with the should haves or could have beens because regrets are for people who feel they should’ve acted differently to make things better. But I’ve given my best and I’ve done nothing wrong. I chalk it all up to my experience chart and maybe next time I cross paths with such acquaintances, I wouldn’t trust so readily.

My naïveté has confined me in the belief that people are inherently good. From hereon, I will always keep it in the back of my mind that there exist people who consider back-talking and tittle-tattling a form of entertainment to their otherwise meaningless lives.

Love Thy Neighbor

I have come across people who I believe is trapped in a perpetual state of oblivion from understanding. I’m not one to point fingers because there have been countless times when my grasp of reality is dubious, and my momentary lapse of judgment occurs ever so often. But today, I’m on the other side of the fence. Everybody is barbecuing next-door, while I’m stuck pulling out weeds in my backyard.  Nobody wants to help because the neighbors are handing out steaks and cocktails and feeding the guests good stories that they eat up like children do Fairy Tales. The neighbors should keep in mind, though, that Fairy Tales highlight stark divergences between good and evil, shaping the habitually happy endings.

So when the whole neighborhood finds out…

- who fed Snow White the poisonous apple

- who put the pea on the Princess’ mattress

- who turned the Prince into a frog,

- who made that derogatory and disparaging Friendster profile and

- who ate the baby bear’s porridge and then broke his chair…

…that’s when I’ll get my happy ending. In the meantime, I’ll carry on weeding-out my garden.  it’s more important than breaking my fingers by pointing relentlessly at someone who just doesn’t care, and much safer than shooting in the dark and gunning down a guiltless bystander.

World On Fire

Hearts are worn in these dark ages
You’re not alone in this story’s pages
Night has fallen amongst the living and the dying
And I try to hold it in, yeah I try to hold it in

[Chorus]
The world’s on fire and
It’s more than I can handle
I’ll tap into the water
(I try to pull my ship)
I try to bring more
More than I can handle
(Bring it to the table)
Bring what I am able

I watch the heavens and I find a calling
Something I can do to change this moment
Stay close to me while the sky is falling
Don’t wanna be left alone, don’t wanna be alone

[Chorus]

Hearts break, hearts mend
Love still hurts
Visions clash, planes crash
Still there’s talk of
Saving souls, still the cold
Is closing in on us

We part the veil on our killer sun
Stray from the straight line on this short run
The more we take, the less we become
A fortune of one that means less for some

[Chorus X2]

- Sarah McLachlan

Nothing...

Yesterday:

…the coldness gave us an excuse for intimacy to keep ourselves warm.

…from being able to take my breath away, you made me feel alive.

…the mere sight of you made my heart beat faster.

…there was security with our sleeping and waking up next to each other.

…i experienced the kind of love i thought only happened in fairy tales. the kind of love that opened my entire being. the kind that made me see the goodness out of everything, even in me. the kind of love i thought would last a lot longer than this because i can’t see my future without you in it.

Yesterday, we were together.

Today:

…the snow is more lonely than cold and the chilliness has nothing to do with winter.

…breathing is harder and inhalers don’t help. a pack of smokes don’t, either.

…except for this rapid banging that won’t subside, my chest feels hollow.

…i can hear my stomach rumbling but the need for nourishment has completely abandoned me.

…i can hardly keep my eyes open but my system refuses to shut down even for a minute.

…i experienced the kind of pain i’ve read only in books, seen in movies and heard from friends who have had their hearts shattered into a gazillion pieces. It’s the kind of pain that is juxtaposed to the realization that my worst fears don’t just reside in my mind - that it’s come true. the kind of pain that comes from saying words that i don’t ever want to hear again. words that reverberate in my ears long after you’ve said them to me. the kind of pain that gets you inside. and just when i thought i couldn’t hurt anymore, it started hurting physically - it’s harder to breathe and my guts feel like a ton of brick.

Today, you’re gone.

Tomorrow:

…the snow will melt. winter will be gone and i hope with the changing of seasons, the pain goes away, too.

…i will learn how to breathe again. When i inhale, i’ll take in everything that’s still beautiful even if you’re not here to share it with me. And when i exhale, i’ll let go of the regrets, one by one.

Tomorrow i’ll let you go

Here's Looking At You, Kid

We were drawn together by our differences and strengths. The circumstance in which we started is far from what one may call ideal but when a moment or a person like you comes along, the mind lets the heart govern. So there we were.

And now here I am.

Words to explain the magnitude of my anguish haven’t been invented yet.

There isn’t an instrument in the world that can quantify the degree of my pain.

I’m about to find out how much and how long a person can shed tears. So far, it’s been 18 hours and 23 minutes.

And counting.

All i can say is, "Your girl is lovely, Hubbell."

I believe that a person can love 2 people at the same time. But not to the same extent. When God made us, He has equipped us with abilities to make our own decisions so you can’t blame it all on destiny. You can’t just throw it in the wind and hope everything’s going to be okay because it’s not. Let’s face it. Almost 4 years together and for our every step forward, we get knocked 4 steps back.

Don’t think that trying to seek happiness for yourself is an offense. As i keep saying, you are selflessness personified. If there’s one person in this world who deserves to be truly happy, it’s you. Love is a prerequisite in being with somebody. Don’t you even dare try to sugarcoat your lack of love for me by saying you’ve stayed with me all these years and that you’re not leaving because you know i need you. I’m a big girl - you need not stay if you don’t love me, or as you say, if you love someone else MUCH MORE than you love me.

I cannot compete with a ghost from your past.

Especially if that ghost is now going to great lengths in trying to win you back.

You didn’t even give me a chance.

Hollywood, Bollywood, Schmollywood

The very first book that I truly loved to the point that I would read it several times over the week is The Little Princess. I was really young but it fascinated me so. I remember wanting to go to India just because Sara Crew had nice stories about the country.

Jump to the day I first saw an Indian man riding a scooter (moped, motorcycle, whatever you want to call it) selling items strapped on the back. That was the day I started to associate them with 5-6 lending.

Jump to the year Sushmita Sen won the Miss Universe title after answering the question: What is the essence of being a woman? After that, whenever I watch the pageant, I look out for whoever India's representative is, wanting to see if they're all as poised and as intelligent as she is.

Jump to the year we moved to Canada, in Brampton, Ontario to be exact, where a lot of immigrants from India live. Turbans and saris are everywhere and the smell [of curry] is just overwhelming.

What's my point? [Yes, I do have one =)]

I never thought I'd develop an affinity towards Indian movies. It doesn't even matter that I don't understand a word of their language and I constantly have to struggle between actually watching the movie and reading the subtitles. It doesn't matter that every movie is 3 hours long at the least, with the obligatory song and dance by men and women wearing enough gold to induce blindness.

Funny because I find it extremely annoying and unpleasant that most Filipino movies tend to make beach scenes mandatory. Beach scenes meaning has-beens [sexy stars] frolicking along the beach, dancing to a one-hit wonder by some rapper. With the oh-so-important slow-motion part where they run towards each other and one of them falls flat on his/her face. Errrr...

Indian movies epitomize grace. They move as if their necks and bellies have limitless elasticity and their voices sound as if they can go from coloratura soprano to baritone to mezzo soprano to contralto to tenor. Their rich culture is sheathed in each hand movement, each piece of jewelry, each step of the dance, each note of the song. They're all passion, patriotism, humanity, family and their traditions are deeply embedded that it shines through even if the movie is set in modern times in New York City.

They are always extraordinarily romantic, though you almost never see a kiss [which is quite odd for a country where the Kama Sutra originated from].

I can't really go on and on about why I like Indian movies. I just do.

Some of these people may not help make the world a better smelling place to live in [I am not even going to discuss the degree of how politically incorrect that is], but they sure make movies that are worth watching.