Nothing...

Yesterday:

…the coldness gave us an excuse for intimacy to keep ourselves warm.

…from being able to take my breath away, you made me feel alive.

…the mere sight of you made my heart beat faster.

…there was security with our sleeping and waking up next to each other.

…i experienced the kind of love i thought only happened in fairy tales. the kind of love that opened my entire being. the kind that made me see the goodness out of everything, even in me. the kind of love i thought would last a lot longer than this because i can’t see my future without you in it.

Yesterday, we were together.

Today:

…the snow is more lonely than cold and the chilliness has nothing to do with winter.

…breathing is harder and inhalers don’t help. a pack of smokes don’t, either.

…except for this rapid banging that won’t subside, my chest feels hollow.

…i can hear my stomach rumbling but the need for nourishment has completely abandoned me.

…i can hardly keep my eyes open but my system refuses to shut down even for a minute.

…i experienced the kind of pain i’ve read only in books, seen in movies and heard from friends who have had their hearts shattered into a gazillion pieces. It’s the kind of pain that is juxtaposed to the realization that my worst fears don’t just reside in my mind - that it’s come true. the kind of pain that comes from saying words that i don’t ever want to hear again. words that reverberate in my ears long after you’ve said them to me. the kind of pain that gets you inside. and just when i thought i couldn’t hurt anymore, it started hurting physically - it’s harder to breathe and my guts feel like a ton of brick.

Today, you’re gone.

Tomorrow:

…the snow will melt. winter will be gone and i hope with the changing of seasons, the pain goes away, too.

…i will learn how to breathe again. When i inhale, i’ll take in everything that’s still beautiful even if you’re not here to share it with me. And when i exhale, i’ll let go of the regrets, one by one.

Tomorrow i’ll let you go

Here's Looking At You, Kid

We were drawn together by our differences and strengths. The circumstance in which we started is far from what one may call ideal but when a moment or a person like you comes along, the mind lets the heart govern. So there we were.

And now here I am.

Words to explain the magnitude of my anguish haven’t been invented yet.

There isn’t an instrument in the world that can quantify the degree of my pain.

I’m about to find out how much and how long a person can shed tears. So far, it’s been 18 hours and 23 minutes.

And counting.

All i can say is, "Your girl is lovely, Hubbell."

I believe that a person can love 2 people at the same time. But not to the same extent. When God made us, He has equipped us with abilities to make our own decisions so you can’t blame it all on destiny. You can’t just throw it in the wind and hope everything’s going to be okay because it’s not. Let’s face it. Almost 4 years together and for our every step forward, we get knocked 4 steps back.

Don’t think that trying to seek happiness for yourself is an offense. As i keep saying, you are selflessness personified. If there’s one person in this world who deserves to be truly happy, it’s you. Love is a prerequisite in being with somebody. Don’t you even dare try to sugarcoat your lack of love for me by saying you’ve stayed with me all these years and that you’re not leaving because you know i need you. I’m a big girl - you need not stay if you don’t love me, or as you say, if you love someone else MUCH MORE than you love me.

I cannot compete with a ghost from your past.

Especially if that ghost is now going to great lengths in trying to win you back.

You didn’t even give me a chance.