From An Email

ISTORYA NG ISANG PUTA

Tingin ng mga bobong kapitbahay ko puta daw ako. Nagpapagamit, binabayaran. Sabi nila ako daw ang pinakamaganda at pinakasikat sa aming lugar noon. Ang bango-bango ko daw, sariwa at makinis. Di ko nga alam kung sumpa ito, dahil dito naletse ang kinabukasan ko.

Halika at makinig ka muna sa kwento ko.

Alam mo, maraming lumapit sa akin, nagkagusto, naakit. Sikat ka sa lahat, virgin eh! Tinanggap ko naman silang tao, bakit kaya nila ako ginago? Masakit alalahanin, iniisip ko na lang na kase di sila taga-rito, siguro talagang ganoon. Tatlong malilibog na foreigners ang namyesta sa katawan ko, na-rape daw ako?

Sa tatlong beses akong nagahasa, ang pinakahuli ang di ko makakalimutan. Parang maski di ko ginusto ang mga nangyari, hinahanap-hanap ko siya. Tinulungan nya kasi akong makalimutan yung mga sadistang Hapon at Kastila. Kase, ibang-iba ang hagod niya. Umiikot ang mundo ko sa tuwing ginagamit niya ako. Ibang klase siya mag-sorry, lalo pa at kinupkop niya ako at ang mga naging anak ko. Parating ang dami naming regalo - may chocolates, yosi, at ano kaûmay datung pa! Nakakabaliw siya, alam kong ginagamit nya lang ako pero pagamit naman ako nang pagamit. Sa kanya namin natutunan mag-Ingles, di lang magsulat ha! Magbasa pa! Hanggang ngayon, sa tuwing mabigat ang problema ko, siya ang tinatakbuhan ko. ‘Yun nga lang, lahat ng bagay may kapalit. Nung kinasama ko siya, guminhawa buhay namin. Sosyal na sosyal kami.

Ewan ko nga ba, akala ko napapamahal na ako sa kanya. Akala ko tuloy-tuloy na kaligayahan namin, yun pala unti-unti niya akong pinapatay. P*** ng I**! Sa dami ng lason na sinaksak niya sa katawan ko, muntik na akong malaspag. Ang daming nagsabi na ang tanga tanga ko. Patalsikin ko na daw. Sa tulong ng mga anak ko, napalayas ko ang animal pero ang hirap magsimula.

Masyado na kaming nasanay sa sarap ng buhay na naranasan namin sa kanya. Lubog na lubog pa kami sa utang, kulang ata pati kaluluwa namin para ibayad sa mga inutang namin.

Sinikap naming lahat maging maganda ang buhay namin. Ayun, mga nasa Japan, Hong Kong, Saudi ang mga anak ko. Yung iba nag-US, Europe. Yung iba ayaw umalis sa akin. Halos lahat, wala naman silbi, masaya daw sa piling ko, maski amoy usok ako.

Sa dami ng mga anak ko na nagsisikap na tulungan ang kalagayan namin, siya din ang dami ng mga anak ko na namamantala sa kabuhayan at kayaman na itinatabi ko para sa punyetang kinabukasan naming lahat. Dumating ang panahon na di na kami halos makaahon sa hirap ng buhay. Napakahirap dahil nasanay na kami sa ginhawa at sarap.

Ang di ko inaakala ay mismong mga anak ko, ang tuluyang sisira sa akin. Napakasakit tanggapin na malinlang. Akala ko ay makakakita ako ng magiging kasama sa buhay sa mga ahas na ipinakilala ng mga anak ko. Hindi pala. Ang tanga ko talaga. Binugaw ako ng sarili kong mga anak kapalit ng kwarta at pansamantalang ginhawa na nais nilang matamasa.

Wala na akong nagawa dahil sa sobrang pagmamahal ko sa aking mga anak. Wala akong ibang yaman kundi ganda ko. Pinagamit ko na lang ng pinagamit ang sarili ko, basta maginhawa lang ang mga anak ko.

Usap-usapan ako ng mga kapitbahay ko. May nanghihinayang, namumuhi at naaawa. Puta na kase ang isang magandang tulad ko.

Alam mo, gusto ko na sanang tumigil sa pagpuputa kaso ang laki talaga ng letseng utang ko eh. Palaki pa ng palaki. Kulang na kulang. Paano na lang ang mga anak ko naiwan sa aking punyetang puder? Baka di na ako balikan o bisitahin ng mga nag-abroad kong mga anak. Hindi na importante kung laspagin man ang ganda ko, madama ko lang ang pagmamahal ng mga anak ko. Malaman nila na gagawin ko ang lahat para sa kanila.

Sa tuwing titingin ako sa salamin, alam ko maganda pa rin ako. Meron pa din ang bilib sa akin. Napapagusapan pa din. Sa tuwing nakikita ko ang mukha ko sa salamin, nakikita ko ang mga anak ko. Tutulo na lang ang mga luha ko ng di ko namamalayan. Ang gagaling nga ng mga anak ko, namamayagpag kahit saan sila pumunta. Mahusay sa kahit anong gawin. Tama man o mali. Proud ako sa kanila. Kaso sila, kabaligtaran ang nararamdaman para sa akin.

Sa dami ng mga anak ko, iilan lang ang may malasakit sa akin. May malasakit man, nahihilaw. Ni di nga ako kinikilalang ina. Halos lahat sila galit sa isa’t isa. Walang gusto magtulungan, naghihilahan pa. Ang dami ko ng pasakit na tiniis pero walang sasakit pa nung sarili kong mga anak ang nagbugaw sa akin. Kinapital ang laspag na ganda ko. Masyado silang nasanay sa sarap ng buhay. Minsan sa pagtingin ko sa salamin, ni hindi ko na nga kilala ang sarili ko.

Dadating na naman ang pasko, sana maalala naman ako ng mga anak ko. Ilang buwan pa, magbabagong taon na. Natatakot ako sa taong darating. Ngayon pa lang usap-usapan na ang susunod na pagbubugaw ng ilan sa mga anak ko. Sana may magtanggol naman sa akin, ipaglaban naman nila ako. Gusto kong isigaw: "INA NINYO AKO! MAHALIN NYO NAMAN AKO!"

Salamat ha, pinakinggan mo ako.

Ay sorry, di ko pala nasabi pangalan ko.

PILIPINAS nga pala pangalan ko!

Books and Movies

I’ve always been very vocal about my love for the written word. I will read anything (well, not quite. i won’t read the terribly sappy ones with pictures of half-naked people that border on being pornographic).  I’ve also always been addicted to movies. I will watch anything (well, not quite.  I won’t watch movies that seem to have been made by people with severe cerebral damage).

2 things i overindulge in. Books and movies.

I read A Walk to Remember in 1999. Christina Aguilera came out shortly after that and i remember thinking that if there’s one person that can play Jamie, that would be her. So now i hate Mandy Moore. Then there’s the brouhaha that is the Harry Potter series. I guess that’s pretty self-explanatory because that series is highly entertaining.  One would have to be brain-dead not to consider making a movie out of it.

Then there’s the Da Vinci Code, and then Angels and Demons, The Count of Monte Cristo, Memoirs of a Geisha, and Chronicles of Narnia. Speaking of which, Susan’s supposed to be the pretty one and Lucy the brave one.  How C.S. Lewis desribed Susan in the book, it’s kind of weird to look at the "almost-homely" movie version of her.

Imagine if i have unlimited monetary resources and i can afford to make the movies i want to make.  i would make even more money with the books that i’ve read over the years by turning them into movies.

* sigh * i have too much time in my hands.

I Love Charles

i really, really, truly, madly, deeply do.

i take back all the things i’ve said in my previous entry.

hee.hee < - - - - smiling sheepishly.

Broken Trusts

Friendships have been stained. Hurtful words were thrown with such ease, like tossing a tiny ball back and forth. If only that tiny ball didn’t have deadly spikes on it that stab you every single time you catch it. The effortlessness of it all is deeply frightening.

It’s as if the countless times we’ve spent sharing the dramas and comedies of our lives amount to nothing. The finger-pointing came without difficulty, too. It’s as if those fingers weren’t parts of those hands that have been witnesses to the giving and sharing of comfort.

It’s easy to make-believe that you can just cast the sadness and regret to the winds, hoping it will go away and everything will be alright after a while. But the reality in which we all live in is very prohibitive. Unless you live in a world where you can just click the heels of your shiny, red shoes and say, “there’s no place like home” three times, and you and your dog Toto are magically transported to where you want to be, you’re going to have to deal with it. Something we all think is an exorbitant price to pay for simply having to live life, but with maturity comes the realization that it’s the only way to go no matter what happens.

Apologies have fallen on ears that are playing deaf. I’m old enough to understand that pain doesn’t just disappear upon hearing the word sorry. Before the anger ebbs, the pain wanes and the disappointment recedes, you just keep your fingers crossed no matter how much you would love for everything to start being okay again.

Time heals the wounds that we’ve inflicted upon each other. But that doesn’t guarantee you there’d be no resentment left when there are ugly scars to remind you of the viciousness that was brought by broken trusts.

Chances and Stakes

This world is the Las Vegas Strip and life is a gamble. And i am in one massive losing streak. Nothing seems to go my way lately. I am left without any choice, but to make do with the cards that fate has dealt me. I'm wondering, hoping, praying that the dealer would soon give me winning cards.

Maybe it's a misdeal, this game of life i'm playing. I have no idea.

I long for the days when everything was so much simpler. When complications are close to non-existent and problems are not really problems because they go away so easily. But we grow up and things change. I know i did. I've grown. Changed. I now cannot escape the hassles that come along with being an almost-25 year old girl trying to figure out what life has in store for her.

I want to close my eyes even for just a few seconds and imagine that i live in this fairytale-based world where sugars melt and lemons drop and where it rains Coca-Cola. Where the sky is within reach and the clouds are Oreo-flavored. But even if i did close my eyes, the blackness will immediately produce these visions of horror: maxed-out credit cards, crazy interest rates, almost negative chequing account balance, overdue library books, the $40 i owe my sister, the outstanding $110 ticket i got for failure to make a left turn to avoid collision...and so on and so forth. It's like a nightmare i can't wake up from.

Like i said, life is a card-dealer in a casino joint, sucking in all my resources (emotional, physical, financial, moral and spiritual) because i don't know how to play the cards i've been dealt with.

Whatever happened to my supposed to be fantastic life?

Shrug

i hate...

• that joe didn't take care of that thing he told me he's going to take care of...what a f*ck*ng a**hole.
• that the opportunity to make big bucks has passed me by because of some nincompoop's absolute incompetence.
• that nobody seems to be doing their jobs at that place i'm working at because they're too busy kissing each other's behinds...
• that with their apologies, they're adamant about making the mistake of not double-checking my name on the list but they're not doing anything to rectify that...
• that they told me they were going to hire me and that my name was supposed to be on that stupid list...
• that someone promised they'd do something about it, making me hold on to false hopes, expecting that i'd be getting what i deserve in the first place
• the former temps i work with, with stupid smiles on their idiotic faces, gloating - but i'm not at all that bad. there is one temp that i'm happy for. i'm going to hide him under the name philip. he deserves to be hired. sure, his english is not at all that good and talking to him requires one to say, "pardon me", "what's that again?" and "excuse me" hundreds of times but he's been there a long time and he's a much better worker than me so he escapes my character-bashing-name-calling-personality-defaming-sour-graping.

it's kind of funny that i'm still working at that place...my pride has been urging me to just not show up at work one day...but my practicality wins in this situation. i need the money. if my boyfriend and i want to buy a house this year or early next year, i'm going to have to swallow a whole lotta pride to stay in that place and earn.

as much as i try to mask my frustration with nonchalance, i can't. i want to break things...in this case, supervisors' bones would be a much appropriate word.

Enslaved

I've been doing some thinking and have come to a conclusion that perhaps destiny is not a friend. It is not an entity to forge a relationship with because it ends up bitch-slapping me every single time i try my darn hardest to do the things i feel i need to do in order to be where i think i ought to be...

My efforts end up being heaps of garbages in a bin labeled futility. Yup, yup...destiny is just not my ally.

I'm working in this company through an employment agency. I have to make more than 350 hours with the agency before the company considers to hire me and I've been working for half a year now (sounds so much longer than 6 months, don't you think?)

Anyways, the company, we were told, would be hiring a bunch of people and logically, I assumed I would be one of them as I've been working there for quite some time now. My Team Leader, who looks like arrogance personified but turned out to be actually nice, told me to go see the supervisor with receding hairline and whose waistline is clearly the product of years and years of beer-guzzling. The "almost" bald supervisor told us temporary workers to go to the lunchroom to see this other person that I'm going to hide under the name Danny V. (discretion is very important as someone from the company might come across what i've written) who looks like he has spent one too many hours under the tanning bed. So i went to the lunchroom with all the other temporary workers, sat and waited for our names to be called....one by one, he called the name out.

I joked to the person beside me, who i'm going to hide under the name Danielle, that i'm going to burn the place down if my name doesn't get called because Danny V. has called out a lot of names but mine. And she said that maybe the list was alphabetical and that made sense because her name got called after a guy named Dallas (again, the name has been changed for my security). So i waited...wait wait wait wait wait....and then this Chinese guy got called and i was just dumbfounded because his name starts with am "X"...what the heck happened to "R"?...

I approached Danny V. and asked if my name was somewhere on the list and he said no. There's no point in me staying there when clearly, I'm not going to get a contract and get hired full-time. So i went back inside where i came across my Team Leader who I'm going to hide under the name Ryan. I told him what happened and he said there was no way my name cannot be on the list because he distinctly remembers writing it down. On a piece of toilet paper or a gumwrapper, I don't know. He didn't say. We went to see Danny V. who just repeated what he told me - that my name was nowhere to be found on his list and that we should go see Mr. Bald-Beer-Belly (i'm going to hide him under the name Jeff so i wouldn't have to demean his character over and over) if we had any questions.

So we went to see Jeff who told us to go see Joe, the other supervisor...who told me there was a huge mistake and that it was a misunderstanding and that they meant to hire me - just that they overlooked that one tiny detail because they automatically assumed my name was going to be on that list so they didn't even bother double-checking.

Joe said he was going to take care of it...and he didn't. It was stupid of me to believe him. I should've known he wasn't going to admit to his superiors that they made an "uh-oh", hiring people that have been there not even 3 months and not someone who has been there 6 months. He's not going to add another hassle on his already strenuous job. He's not going to waste his time lobbying for little old temporary employee me. He just said that to make me feel as if he's actually sorry for somebody's incompetence and negligence and that he's going to do something...anything...to rectify the monumental injustice that has been committed against me (makes it sound more serious).

Then yesterday, he told me that the chances of me getting hired are pretty slim because the General Manager approved of hiring only 16 people and they've already got those 16 idiots and to add another one is just near impossible. I guess being fair and reasonable doesn't amount to anything with these people. It's a bunch of crap they're feeding me at the moment and i am so frustrated and disappointed about that.

But I've been talking to other people. One of the human resources people said that she was going to take it upstairs...and someone told me i shouldn't have listened and believed joe when he told me he was going to take care of it because he just won't. That's true.

So now i'm keeping my fingers crossed.

2 Years and 8 Months

Congratulate me and marvel at my boyfriend's astonishing capacity to put up with someone like me for this long.

Sure, our relationship didn't start at the best of circumstances - he was engaged to the psycho x for almost 5 years - but i believe we're going to be okay. He is kindness and patience to the TRUEST sense. I never thought there exists such a creature that is just honest and patient and kind. He is the exact opposite of selfish.

Sure, he punches everything in sight when he's mad and he is terribly suspicious of everything. But the intensity of his craziness pales in comparison to the frequency of mine so i think that evens things out quite well. There are times when i deem our relationship unfathomable because there exist moments when i feel as if our foundation is resting on a three-legged table of distrust, shaking uncontrollably, unable to maintain balance. But i guess you can't call a relationship real if it didn't come with all the hassles and complications.

I know I'm superduper lucky to have a superduper terrific guy...I feel so blessed. I am tremendously grateful to have him.

He knows me so well. He is my match in every possible way and i am his. He sees all of me, devoid of hypocrisy and pretentions, yet he still welcomes me with open arms. I find solace in his embrace. He endures all my crazy talks and pretends to listen when i completely make no sense. He remembers how i want my eggs and coffee done.

He lets me take charge of the remote control, sacrificing his sports so i could watch my cartoons. He allows me to take out the Tupac cd in his car so i can put in my Ally McBeal soundtrack. If we didn't have the same taste in movies, it would be absolute torture for him to sit beside, watching black & white classic movies while i try to stifle sobs on the part where Sam plays As Time Goes By for Rick and Ilsa.

He carried me to his car when i was too drunk to walk. He would say with utmost tact that he doesn't think i'm fat but i HAVE eaten enough chocolates and chips and would remind me of my resolution to exercise...He's the one who knocks sense into me and give me gentle kicks when i'm bordering on being such a witch.

The one who makes me see the things i was shielded from, the one who doesn't delight on my mistakes and doesn't make me feel guilty. The one who makes me see the goodness out of everything and everyone, including myself. The one who can make me smile even if i'm really, really sad or angry and holds the power to turn that smile into laughter. He's the one whose kisses chase all the boo-boos away and make everything better.

He makes my life so much more livable.

He is my bestfriend.

It's impossible to see the future in my mind without him in it.

I thank God everyday for him.

My Friend's Friend's Boyfriend's Bestfriend

My friend was telling me a story the other day. It was about her friend's boyfriend and the guy's bestfriend who called one day and asked for financial help saying it was for the girlfriend's tuition fee.

My friend's friend didn't mind because it was the boyfriend's money and she couldn't care less what he does with it. I mean, it's the fruit of his labor so he can do whatever he wants. Just don't squander it all in a silly lap dance in a strip club, right? So, there. They made plans to wire the money as soon as the next pay cheque comes.

The boyfriend's bestfriend called the other day and came clean. The money was for abortion. My friend's friend was appalled, because:

1. It's killing - what does it matter that the entity is only a few days or weeks old? It's so much worse than ending a life - it's not even giving it a chance to begin. That child, if given the chance to see the world, might end up doing great things. My friend's friend can't do anyting but just shake her head. It's stupendous how society associates bestiality with animals, like when a person does something degrading, they say that that person is acting like a complete animal. Sure there are animals that eat their offspring, but they generally don't. Human beings are the ones that off their offspring before they see the time of day.

2. My friend's friend's boyfriend didn't even blink. He just said, okay. To hold on to their seats until the end of the week and not to worry because the fetus wouldn't grow to be "unabortable" in that short period of time and that the money would come. He didn't even try to offer advice or say words like, "are you sure this is what you want to do? ", "It's a life we're talking about here...", or "are there no other options?" He didn't even ask why.

My friend's friend confronted her boyfriend on that and he just shrugged and said it's their life and they're mature enough to make their own decisions. "F*ck their decision-making method," my friend's friend said. "They are way beyond selfish the term for it hasn't even been invented yet."

And the boyfriend said, "who are you to judge?" As if my friend's friend's (frequent) bitchiness renders her unqualified and unfit to offer her outlook on a matter as serious as this.

Just because my friend's friend can be such an arrogant bitch to the boyfriend sometimes and her irrational tantrums are not funny anymore, that doesn't mean she's not entitled to an opinion.

Abortion - it's not just a term paper or a topic in class debate. It's putting a life in your hands and deciding whether to give it a chance to live...and it's not even our decision to make. God chose to bless them with the gift of life. God presented that girl with the chance to be a mother.

How dare she pass that up, whatever the heck her reason is. It's like slapping God in the face and saying, "Up yours. I don't want your gift of the opportunity to experience the joys of motherhood."

But that's none of my friend's friend's business anymore. I...errr....she just hopes their guilts attack them relentlessly if they decide to push through with it.

Pendulum

I feel like one all the time. It makes me feel as if i'm bipolar or something...like i'm one symptom away from schizophrenia. As sweet, kind and as gentle as an angel one minute and then an evil b**tch suffering from Tourette's syndrome the next. I realize that i am straddling the thin line that separates a healthy, normal relationship and an abusive one. My dear boyfriend is patience and kindness and unselfishness (and all the other great things i'm not) personified.

You gotta give the boyfriend a gazillion props and standing ovations for holding on to our relationship...God failed to bless me with the ability to understand why a great guy like my boyfriend would still want to be with me when he can have any girl he wants - minus the multiple personality disorder at that...could be the L word...L-O-V-E.

I'm not one to swoon over the antics of the heart. I adore love stories and romantic movies, and i sigh occasionally when it comes to that part in the movie where the average girl gets the quarterback...or when the nerd gets the headcheerleader...when Richard Gere conquered his fear of heights to get to Julia Roberts or when Janeane Garofalo gets the guy instead of Uma Thurman. sweet. But then again, i get the same feeling watching Beatrix Kiddo maim and slaughter those who got in her way in that blood-canopied movie, Kill Bill.

I don't really have the flair for the dramatic so it's totally beyond my comprehension why and how my boyfriend would and could stay with me for 2 years and 7 months despite my thrice-in-a-blue-moon apalling tantrums. With this in mind, i don't need help from my other personalities. The cynical me, sarcastic me, doubtful me, self-pitying me and the suspicious me --- they all make me think as if there's something other than LOVE that would make a person stay in a relationship like this with an other half who makes Sally Field's character in ER somewhat normal.

What other reasons could there be? What are these nagging personalities telling me? I'll get into that later. I have a splitting headache...it's probably the lazy bum in me trying to beat up my personality that understands the need to earn money. if the lazy bum wins, i'm not going to my part-time job. i'll just type away and fill this page with ridiculous musings.

Y, Tu and Toi

It somewhat scares me that I have an aptitude for writing something that's made solely to hurt other people when I feel that i've been stepped on. I've always said that my pride has superpowers of its own and this is one of its products.

I warned you. I have a sharp tongue, a sharper mind and an even sharper pen. Don't hate me because of my incisive wit. Gratitude to you who has read what i have written but don't look at me like i'm an arrogant bitch just because i write what's on my mind. It's a therapeutical release of emotions for me (elation, dismay, frustration, contentment, happiness, sadness...) that speaking cannot give.

When it comes to verbal communication, I am the reincarnation of Emily Post (unless you catch me in a bad time then you're gonna have to endure a sarcasm and cyncism-stimulated conversation, half of which are cuss-words, where you wouldn't be able to get a word in edgewise). I am the mother, er...sister of diplomacy and tact is one of my strongest points, even if your outfit doesn't match, you've put on too much eye make-up and your barber/haircutter deserves to be guillotined.

I am patience personified.

The quintessential friendly girl.

The embodiment of cheerfulness.

The epitome of niceness.

But a person can only take too much.

1. You whose colossal ego's size is inversely proportional to your manliness: i understand that you're lacking in the phallic department (no, i haven't seen it but from what i know of him so far, that's the conclusion even the dumbest person would draw) If you have the balls to claim that you're a gosh-darn ladies man (urk) be man enough to tell me what you want to say and quit hiding under your other half's skirt. How i knew what you have to say? Words get around, you know. Be careful next time...if you're going to say something to her about me, make sure she doesn't blab about it to an equally dense peson who's running around trying ardently to get the last laugh.

2. You who's still stuck to that abnormal state of being left by the love of your life: it's amazing how you can still find the time (and energy) to talk about me...hmm...maybe i shouldn't even be astonished in the first place. it's either your life sucks or you don't have one at all. i don't possess the world's greatest deductive skills but i'm guessing it's the latter. If the number of times i go to the bathroom is what fuels your (metaphorical) life support system...you're in big trouble, sister...err, loser. Shoot yourself before you realize that...(i should probably say that i'm speaking figuratively in case her tiny brain takes this literally...i don't want to be responsible for somebody's demise...)

3. You: (i don't know this person that much so there's nothing to add here...) Better stick to Friendster or any other online community and cancel your myspace account if you don't know how to edit it. I don't mind helping people out and answering questions but you did something to me that isn't so nice and it's just too bad that i learned about it 'cause i genuinely liked you. i even thought we could be good friends. Good luck with your life and your future endeavors (and i mean it, really...) but don't talk to me like we're friends. I'm not stupid. I might be slow on the uptake when it comes to green jokes...but I can see right through you

Violent reactions from certain people are anticipated...and those would only be testaments of how guilty they are.

The issue has been resolved. I have been politely asked to take it away from my blog but if i'm to embark on a journey to learn to love all of me, then i'm going to have to embrace this "unpretty" side that comes out once in a blue moon...

Personality Overhaul

I’ve never really been forced to assess myself before…never really gotten even remotely close to the point where I’ve had to rummage through my entire being and rethink of what I have to keep and throw out. Now that I’m on the brink of doing that, chances that I’d have more garbage to chuck than treasures to keep are highly probable.

I need not ask myself why I’m suddenly wedged in this situation. I’ve seen it coming long before I felt the need to. Why? I am with a man, who, (as good as it gets and) as cliché as it sounds, makes me want to be a better person. One would conclude that actions would easily follow upon such realization and that might be true – if the person who needs to make an image overhaul is a normal person with a healthy dose of pride or none at all. But I’m an extraordinary person whose pride has superpowers of its own. The idea of changing to please a man is right up there with trying to be somebody you’re not just to fit in. But I do understand that it’s for my own good anyway. I might not agree with that a hundred percent now, but I know that in the long run, I’ll give myself a pat on the back if I try to be a better person ASAP.

It’s not that I’m totally changing myself…it’s just a matter of trying to bring out the goodness within me – if I have that – (ask Charles, he’d most likely just stare at you in bewilderment). If I do have an iota of kindness (unselfishness) in me, it would perhaps not be enough for him to stop looking at me like I’m some kind of a whack job out to put a leash around his neck.

Just for the record, I don’t believe he looks at me like that…in fact, I KNOW and I’m certain he doesn’t. And that’s what totally gets me. His unconditional love and being totally selfless makes me want to kick myself for all the times I’ve been the exact opposite of what’s he’s been to me since day one.

Through all this, I’ve learned that to become conscious about something is one thing…to actually do something about it is another, which is much more difficult. It sure is easier said than done…It’s not against my principles to try to be better for the man that I love so much…it’s just that pride makes you do things that people without pride consider lunacy…in this case, I haven’t changed…it’s at the back of my mind. It lurks there continuously, gnawing at me like tiny microbes out to get my immune system.

Before you look at me like I’m some kind of a monster, know that I’m trying – but I’m not going to change overnight. It’s going to be a gradual process because I don’t think my pride can take that kind of drastic personality modification. Pride only hurts. Love is never proud. Yaddi-yadda-yadda. I know, I know…and someday I’ll be able to say that without a tinge of hypocrisy.

Where am I? What time is it?

• Wake up at 5:30 am

• That doesn't even give me enough time to actually eat properly because i have to be out the door before 6:30

• Work from 6:45-2:45

• Home at 3:00 ... get online for a few minutes to see if i have messages from anyone important

• The only thing that's constant in my life at the moment: 200 crunches

• Leave house at 4:40 to go to the next job

• I'm not killing myself. I've finally realized the value of holding down a job, earning money and then saving some - which, if i really, really think about it, i'm not doing a very good job of.

• Home at 9:30

• Take a bath - a very quick one at that

• Pick the boyfriend and brother up at 10:30

• Be in bed before 12:00 am and try fervently to catch some sleep so as not to die the next day while working

• And the cycle continues

i need time. for me. to write. to read. to bask in the luxury of doing absolutely nothing.

questions i ask myself:

• remember when you were lazy and is thick-skinned enough to endure people's look of incredulousness over the fact that you're unemployed?

• remember the time when you were free of the economical shackles that bind people and force people to subject themselves to ruthless interviewers for a job that entails too much and a salary that won't even cover the crazy insurance rates that your credit card company gives?

• remember the time when you go through 1-3 books a day?

• remember when your diary actually had entries?

Life, such a bitch.